


Oh, Memories, Where'd You Go?

by night_of_the_living_trashcan (orphan_account)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Deceit Sanders Angst, Family, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Pre-Canon, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Remus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 00:16:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20126206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/night_of_the_living_trashcan
Summary: (Title from Panic! At The Disco's "Memories")Virgil reminisces about his time with the others, the so-called “Dark Sides.” Not everything was good, but… not everything was bad, either.I accidentally finished a fic somehow. This will never happen again XD





	1. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I love writing angst heehee. The other sides are kind of mean/insensitive, and there are a few tears. There's also food and suggestions of an ED. If I need to add any other warnings, please let me know. ^.^

Anxiety didn't start out as Anxiety. First, he was Caution. A little nervous, wary of everything, but never really afraid. The fact that he was not simply a facet of Morality (then Feelings) or Logic (then Learning) should've been a warning that he wasn't going to stay as mild as Caution, but hindsight is 20-20, as they say.

By the time he showed up, Thomas had already developed Feelings, Learning, Imagination (who would later split into two Creativities), and Self-Preservation. Back then, that was all he was. He wasn't covered in scales, both eyes were chocolate brown, and he didn't even know what sarcasm was.

“Hey there!” the slightly older Side had greeted with a friendly smile. He wore a soft beanie, yellow t-shirt, and pajama pants. “I'm Self-Preservation. Who're you?”

He somehow knew the answer. “Caution,” he answered shyly.

Self-Preservation grinned excitedly. “It's nice to meet you, Caution! You're gonna do a great job keeping Thomas safe with me.”

Caution tentatively smiled back, but Self-Preservation's grin was infectious, and soon the younger Side had just as excited an expression on his face.

“Here, let's find your room!” He held out a hand which Caution hesitantly took. They made their way through the Mindscape. “We all get one. Mine's just down the hall. It's super bright and warm and safe and yellow! That's my favorite color, what's yours?”

Caution looked down at his outfit and smiled at it. “I like purple, like my sweater.”

Self-Preservation oohed. “It looks soft.”

The younger nodded. Before he could reply, though, they found his room. It was simple and plain, a dark mauve color Caution really liked. “Can I add stickers and drawings and stuff to my door, too?” he asked, looking at the others. There was a pastel blue one covered with rainbow stickers and smiley faces, an indigo one with fun-fact notes taped to it, a white one decorated with crayon scribbles, and a yellow one (Self-Preservation's, probably) with animal pictures on it. It was right next to his, too, which Caution liked.

Self-Preservation nodded enthusiastically. “Of course! It's your door, and you're allowed to do anything you want with it.”

“Just wanted to ask, in case,” Caution muttered, a little embarrassed.

The older nodded sagely. “Smart. Getting permission keeps you outta trouble. You're a smart guy, Caution.”

The younger brightened considerably at that. Still holding hands, the two entered his room.

It was… underwhelming. Only the barest of furniture filled it, though the walls were dark purple and the bedsheets were patchwork patterned. The wood was a dark color, too, and it was a little cold inside.

Self-Preservation ignored that, though, and walked over to the window then opened the blinds. “Your window is gonna be your most direct line to Thomas. You'll be able to see what he sees and hear what he hears. You can help him without a window, though, as long as you concentrate on him and his safety, since your job is keeping him safe, like me! There's also a big room down the hall with a bigger window so we can all see what's going on and help him together. You wanna meet any of the others, or, like, decorate your room, or anything else?”

Caution though for a moment. He didn't want to meet anyone else just yet – he was still a little nervous – and he didn't even know how he'd decorate his room, so, “Can I maybe see your room, please? You said it's warm, and it's kinda cold in here. Also I don't know how to decorate.”

The other nodded understandingly. “I can help with that! But, yeah, it's warmer in my room. I have a pet, though. He's friendly, I promise, but he can be a little scary looking.”

The younger bit his lip nervously. “What is he?”

“A snake,” he admitted, a little nervous looking. “I promise he's nice! His name is Kaa, like from the movie. Imagination made him but didn't want to keep him, so I did. I… didn't want him to just die, or be alone.”

Caution shuffled his feet and contemplated his next course of action. Kaa from the movie was kinda scary, but Imagination made him so he couldn't be that dangerous, and Self-Preservation said he was nice. “Okay, I trust you.”

Kaa ended up being nowhere near as big and scary as the movie one. He was actually small enough to hold in Caution’s hands, and his little tongue was adorable. The youngest Side felt his apprehension melt away as the tiny snake curled up in his palms. “His scales are really smooth,” he muttered in wonder.

Self-Preservation smiled proudly. He sat on his bed (it had soft, black and yellow checkered sheets) kicking his legs. “I take very good care of him! I like to take good care of everyone, really. Feelings does, too, but I'm better at using the toaster. Are you hungry, by the way? I can make PB&Js if you want. It's about lunchtime.”

He nodded with a smile. “Okay.” As the other started walking to the door, he asked quickly, “C-can you, um, can you hold my hand again, please?” He avoided eye contact but held out his hand nervously. He peeked up, though, when his hand was gently grabbed and was greeted with the kindest smile.

“Of course you can,” he assured him gently. “You don't have to ask, okay? I'll hold your hand anytime. We're friends, right? Friends hold hands when friends are nervous. Friends take care of each other.” He nodded firmly, and Caution believed him.

***

The others were kind enough to Caution, and they all wore really pretty clothes (Imagination looked like a prince from the movies, Feelings looked almost like a really fluffy cat, and Learning looked like an actual adult, or at least a high schooler), but they weren't super nice to Self-Preservation. Lunchtime was awkward, and Caution really didn't like it. He could tell his new friend's smile was fake, which made him feel sad.

Then Learning said, after Caution introduced himself, “Oh, so we won't be needing Self-Preservation anymore?”

The yellow Side froze where he was making sandwiches.

Caution felt tears pricking at his eyes. “I-I don't think that's true. Maybe, uh, maybe Thomas needs extra protection?”

Imagination scoffed. “Or he needs protection that isn't such a meanie and a liar.”

“Lying is wrong,” Feelings agreed. “Thomas doesn't need to lie to protect himself.”

“I'm doing my best,” Self-Preservation muttered, and there were tears in his voice. “I just don't want us to get in trouble, or for people to get mad at us.”

The others acted like he hadn't even spoken. “We're glad to have a more competent form of protection here,” Learning told Caution, emotionless.

Self-Preservation all but slammed the sandwiches on the table and wordlessly began to leave. He didn't have lunch for himself, and he looked ready to cry.

Caution quickly grabbed a sandwich then the other's hand quickly. Self-Preservation looked at him with uncertainty, sniffing a bit. “It's fine, Caution, I'll just eat in my room,” he assured with a forced smile. “You can stay here.”

“I'll come with you, if you want,” Caution replied softly.

“What? Why?” Learning asked. “He's an ineffective Side with inconsiderable worth.” He was ignored.

The yellow Side smiled gratefully and gently led the younger to his room. As time went on, the two found themselves eating there together more and more often. Eventually, they found they couldn't get to the kitchen anymore, nor could they find the other Sides’ doors. They just made their own hallway and kitchen.

By then, Self-Preservation renamed himself Deceit, and Caution became Anxiety. Deceit traded his t-shirt for a black jacket (with spikes, like the band members Thomas secretly liked) and pajama pants for ripped yellow jeans. Anxiety's sweater became a sweatshirt, and he started experimenting with eyeliner. Deceit also started growing scales and having a hard time telling the truth.

They both struggled a lot throughout high school, helping each other through several panic attacks, learning sign language for when there was no other way to communicate, and also helping the newest member of their family. The Duke.


	2. Creativity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly one swear word is said. Remus is violent, but it's not super descriptive. If more warnings need to be accounted for, please let me know!

When the Duke's bedroom moved to their part of the mindscape, it was the middle of the night. Anxiety was staying in Deceit's room (a common occurrence), and both awoke to the most heart wrenching cries they'd ever heard. They rushed out into the hallway and were greeted by the sight of a new Side clawing at the wall separating their side from the others'. He wore a prince outfit like Imagination's, but it was ripped up and colored black and green. He wailed and screamed and looked to be tearing the skin off his fingers as he tried to get through the wall.

The other two pulled him away as gently as they could so that he'd stop hurting himself. “Breathe, breathe,” Anxiety muttered while Deceit repeated a mantra of, “It's okay, you're okay.” Eventually, he calmed down enough to talk.

“I-it's  _ not  _ okay,” he whimpered. “They- They-”

Anxiety rubbed his bank comfortingly.

“They split us apart,” he whimpered. “They said they didn't like my ideas, that I was  _ bad  _ and shouldn't be in-infecting Imagination with my bad ideas, and they split us up and sent me here and I don't know where I am and I want my brother and I don't want to be here I wanna be Imagination again I-” He tucked his head into Deceit's neck and sobbed even more.

Anxiety traded concerned looks with Deceit. “Are you… Imagination?” the purple Side asked nervously.

“No!” the new Side screamed out. “ _ We  _ were Imagination! Now I'm- I'm- I don't know what I am!”

Deceit held him tighter, running a hand through his hair and whispering comforting words in his ear.

“That's okay,” Anxiety told not-Imagination hesitantly. Deceit gave him an approving nod. “You- You don't have to know, at least not yet. Uh, I'm Anxiety. This is Deceit. He has a hard time telling the truth nowadays, b-but I promise he's telling the truth now! It's okay, you're- you're safe here. I promise.”

Not-Imagination looked at them with wide eyes. He sniffled a bit before nodding. “Okay.”

Deceit bandaged his fingers and made him some soup. After, they watched  _ The Black Cauldron  _ together, snuggled up in blankets and each other.

When Deceit brought the new Side into his bedroom, Anxiety looked at the new Side's door curiously. He recognized some of Imagination's more frightening sketches carved into the green wood instead of colored with crayons. He really didn't like that, and stared at not-Imagination's sleeping form warily. “Dee, are you sure? That- that he's, you know,  _ safe  _ to be around?”

“What do you mean?” the yellow Side asked. Questions were one of the few ways Deceit could avoid lying.

“I don't like his door. And he's kinda… scary,” Anxiety confessed.

Deceit thought for a moment. He couldn't sign with his hands full, so he lied, “We should totally just abandon him because he's different. We definitely can't relate to his story. Sides like us shouldn't stick together.”

The youngest Side couldn't argue with that, but he still felt uncomfortable around the green Side. Surprisingly soon, his fears were given more credibility.

The Duke, as he started calling himself (he couldn't be the Prince; that had been Imagination), proved to be highly unstable. He didn't have a filter between his thoughts and mouth, and his thoughts were very graphic and dangerous. Occasionally, he'd  _ act  _ on his thoughts as well, which was absolutely terrifying.

With a maniacal laugh, he jumped from tall buildings (conjured in his room, the  _ place  _ Imagination), stabbed his hands with broken glass, drank bleach and other chemicals, and sometimes even attacked the others. He targeted Deceit much more than Anxiety, probably because he didn't want to  _ hurt _ them and knew Deceit could handle his antics better than Anxiety. That didn't change the fact that his actions freaked Anxiety the fuck out.

One morning at breakfast, he stabbed Deceit through the skull with a sword. Anxiety screamed and began hyperventilating while Deceit just finished his coffee and tiredly took the sword out. He was tired a lot lately, between keeping Thomas's newly discovered sexuality a secret and dealing with the Duke.

“Duke, what time is it?” Deceit asked patiently.

“Uh, seven in the morning,” Duke replied, now chewing on the blade and cutting up his mouth considerably.

“And what rules did we agree on?”

Duke stopped his gnawing and looked down in shame. “No attacking anyone until eight in the morning. Local time.”

Deceit nodded. “Anxiety?” After the youngest looked at him he signed, “I'm fine, see? Just breathe with me.”

When Anxiety calmed down, he muttered, “Thanks, Dad. I-I mean Deceit! I- Um-”

Deceit quickly went to him, taking him into a chilly embrace (with the scales came, unfortunately, coldbloodedness). When he pulled away, Anxiety saw him grinning and blushing. He signed, “Don't apologize; it's okay. I don't mind.”

Anxiety flushed dark red. “Okay… Dad,” he muttered, but he smiled, too.

“Dad!” Duke squealed, tackling Deceit in a hug. They laughed, and at Deceit's encouraging smile, Anxiety joined the hug as well. Duke may have scared him, but Deceit was here to protect him. He always had been, and always would be.


	3. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fighting in this one as well as swearing.

Everything changed when Thomas discovered the existence of his Sides. Morality, Logic, Creativity, and… Anxiety. (When Duke found out how much happier Prince was without him and the fact that he still called himself Prince, he went on a bit of a rampage and scared Anxiety into appearing in front of Thomas. Only his years hearing and learning Deceit's sarcasm saved him from having a panic attack right then and there.)

The other Sides were as welcoming to him as they'd been to Self-Preservation all those years ago. Logic was a cold and (unintentionally, maybe? hopefully?) cruel as Learning used to be; Morality still acted like he was above everyone else because he “knew right from wrong,” but he wasn't as overtly mean as Emotions had been; Prince Creativity was downright hostile to the point of violent threats which was at once very similar and unlike both Imagination and Duke Creativity.

Deceit held him tighter the nights he returned from the “Light” side of the Mindscape.

Then Thomas started trying to accept Anxiety. The others stopped being as mean. And Deceit started getting more snappy and harsh.

“Why must you insist on going back there?” he demanded. “What the hell is the appeal?!”

Anxiety curled in on himself, but his voice was not devoid of venom when he replied, “Maybe I like being around Thomas. Maybe I want the others to see how wrong they were to separate us. Maybe I don't always like it  _ here _ , did you think of that?”

It wasn't the first time they had this argument. It would be the last, though.

“What's so bad about here? Why do you need to- to prove yourself to people who've only ever hated you?!”

“They never hated  _ me _ , they hated  _ you _ !” Anxiety snapped, ignoring the hurt on Deceit's face. “And- and they don't really hate me, not anymore! They kinda like me, actually! Patton calls me kiddo, like I'm one of them! They're not cruel like before! Is that so hard to believe?!”

Deceit circled him with bared teeth. Bared  _ fangs _ . “So, what, you're gonna just leave us for this new little family you found? Because they told you their names, you're suddenly the best of pals? Well excuse me if that sounds like bullshit!”

Anxiety snarled back, “What the hell do they have to gain from lying to me?!”

“You really think they're okay with your existence?! You think their intentions are pure?! You think they wouldn't celebrate at the taming, or better yet, elimination of Anxiety?!”

“Shut up!” Anxiety roared. “I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you! If it weren't for you, I'd be a Light Side instead of-”

“Instead of what?! What are we?! Evil? Dark? Malicious?A detriment to Thomas's health and well-being as if our entire purpose isn't to protect him?!” Deceit's eyes were frigid as they locked into Anxiety's. “What do you think would happen if you just ducked out?” he asked lowly, threateningly. “Do you think they'd care like I do? Do you think they'd look for you like I would? Do they know anything about you?”

“Do  _ you _ ?”

The silence was as brittle as frozen glass. Then it shattered.

“I guess not,” Deceit murmured. “Fine. But don't be surprised if you're never allowed back here again.”

Anxiety stood at his full height. “I think I'll be glad.”

The other Side smirked cruelly. “Might as well leave now, right? Before your life is ruined that much more by us?”

He didn't reply, simply turning around and exiting through his door. The next time he walked out, he found himself in the Light Side of the Mindscape.


End file.
